Delusions of Adequacy

Hello. 

This isn’t going to be anything I advertise, but I just want to think out loud. Today I’m feeling kind of down and pissy. This is going to be really random. 

I was born during the Nixon administration (the first one). I’m single. Always have been. Oh - my name’s not on here, but I’m a cis-gender, female/woman, heterosexual. 

I have a full-time job and a part time job. I work hard, but don’t really envision myself ever becoming a CEO or something. I’m happy getting a paycheck but like to be recognized and get raises. 

Money - I have a Master’s Degree I’ll never actually be able to pay off. Seriously - I’m in debt about the amount of a small house in a transitional neighborhood. Yeah. 6-figures of debt that I’m not currently paying off. I make a payment now and then, but barely make my bills as it is. I’m not paycheck to paycheck as I was for about 10 years, but I’m barely past that. The pandemic put student loan payments on hold until next month, but I won’t be able to make enough to pay them then. So screwed. 51 and I can pay everything but my student loans - for a degree that is bringing me zero benefits in my professional life. I graduated in 2007. 

I’m not dating anyone, so in my family, I’m always considered the one who doesn’t mind sleeping on the couch or in the spare room, but hey - let her share the bathroom with everyone else. Moving me is just a given. Scheduling - I’m expected to fit into everyone else’s schedule. I get it with kids, but even my birthday dinners are scheduled around everyone else. I don’t get asked when I can do something, just told when everyone else is doing something. No shortage of love in my family - I like my family and they like me, but I’m just the only single, never married one of my generation. Kind of sucks not to have someone to share things with. 

Speaking of which, dating is hard because society dictates beauty by how low a size you have. I’ve always hated shopping for clothes, but it always sucks. I loved having the opportunity to work from home during the pandemic, but adding 20-30lbs doesn’t help. I’m the heaviest person in my family where at least 4 of them are over 6’. I’m 5’3”. 250. Yeah. I just wrote that down. Anyway - people aren’t attracted to that. Have I tried going on dating apps before? Yeah. They cut down on food costs for a while. I won’t lie. But, it wasn’t as successful as my friend who got married after meeting a guy on OKCupid. 

Back to dating, it’s hard to meet people during a pandemic. My best friend is actually my best from my high school. She’s not local. I’ve seen her maybe once or twice in the last 10-15 years. She’s not one I call up with everything. - a sucky day at the office, a great day at the office. (I just don’t talk about the office - love my job and the people I work with though. Grateful for that.) I don’t have anyone local I can call up and say “hey - let’s meet at the park.” Or “Let’s go for a walk.” Or “Let’s FaceTime” 

I just feel really alone. I share some stuff with family. We’re pretty open, all things considered, but my innermost thoughts? Don’t share those. With anyone. Or I pass it off as a passing sarcastic comment. 

I don’t have anyone local to call when something funny happens. I don’t like to bother people, but I do - like my neighbors to help feed my cat when I’m out of town. I live alone. My cat is cute, but not a great conversationalist. I just want someone to share life with. I’ve never wanted kids, but I never thought I’d be single and alone and downright lonely at 51, almost 52. My birthday is in January. Next month. 

I was furloughed for 8 weeks during lockdown/beginning of the pandemic. 

Side note: Anyone who complained about masks or who now complains about vaccinations is just a fucking idiot. Inconsiderate people who complain because the government has to take it upon itself to ask them to be decent people because clearly they’re not. Legit medical excuses - I’m not talking to you, but anti-vaxxers are all just selfish assholes. 

Anyway - I was furloughed, but knew I’d be called back. When the company tells you to keep the computer, you know you still have a job. I qualified for unemployment so that helped. That means the furlough was not as stressful as it could have been. 

I read and watched movies. Or I watched movies then read the books on which they were based. It was nice. I also got into romance novels. Then I was challenged to write a book. So I did. I am. My first book is a mess, but I’ve fallen in love with all my characters and while the first book is in time out, I’m making great headway on a couple more. I have a 5 to 6 book plan. Two books are about 1/2 to 3/4 done with the first drafts. 

I think that creative writing, something I’ve never done before, is what got me through the pandemic. Immersing myself into a world of fiction was a healthy outlet, sure, but it didn’t add any real people in my life, did it? 

So here I am, a 51, almost 52-year old sex-starved, affection-starved, lonely woman who is in crappy physical shape and about as appealing as a (Insert shitty descriptor here). I have no real goals except avoidance, reading so I can live vicariously through fictional people’s lives. 

What do I read? Fantasy, thrillers, murder mysteries, romance novels - M/F and M/M romances (not really into F/F romances.). I’m not even the political junkie I used to be. I am, but haven’t been keeping up. 

Finances are an issue. I don’t travel like I used to because I literally don’t have the money for it. No sense in charging stuff if I’m never going to have the money to pay it back, right? I don’t even watch that much TV.

I just spend all my days reading, writing, playing a stupid game on my iPad. I used to go to cafes all the time, but you can’t when so many people would rather believe idiots rather than actual scientists. 

I don’t know why I’m writing here. I’ll publish it, but won’t add labels. 

‘Til next time. 

H.